Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Happy Birthday Little Spirit

This was how I told Derrik I was pregnant in December.

Today August 19th, I would have become a mother.

For nine months I have been caring around this spirit child in my heart. As the weeks go by I mark off what my life would be like if I was still pregnant with my first little one. How big would I be? Would I be having a boy or girl? What would the day be like in August when we would have met the little one? It's so hard not to think of these things especially today.
When I first found out I had miscarried my wonderful sister-in-law gave me a book "Gone too Soon" inside there was a poem that helped me a ton, although it makes me sad, even to this day, it also helped me realize others have felt the same way that I did. It was hard to explain some of the emotions I was going through but I think this poem conveys a lot of them in a beautiful way.

Just Those Few Weeks
For just those few weeks
I had you to myself.
And that seems too short a time
to be changed so profoundly.
In those few weeks,
I came to know you...
and to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh what a life I had planned for you!
Just those few weeks...
when I lost you,
I lost a lifetime of hopes,
plans, dreams and aspirations.
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.
Just those few weeks...
It wasn't enough time to convince others
how special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique person has recently died
and no one is mourning the passing.
Just a mere few weeks..
And no "normal" person would cry all night
Over a tiny unfinished baby,
or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I??
You were just those few weeks, my little one.
You darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed
to make my life richer
and to give me a small glimpse of eternity.
~S. Erling

I am a huge planner, I'm constantly thinking of different scenarios for every decision I make. So when I first found out I was pregnant I had planned out so much in just days. Like how I was going to tell our family and friends, when I would find out what I was having. How pregnant I would be on our summer trips to bear lake. What their birthday would be like in August. If it would be warm enough to have their blessing outside a few months later. It was pretty much all thought about, so when the news came that their would be no baby, my world crashed, everything that had taken over my daydreams was now over. The months that followed were not much better. I was so scared something was wrong with me. I was worried I would have a hard time getting pregnant. I was also so nervous I would have another miscarriage, but as we all know there is nothing we can do in situations like this. All I can do is pray that me and Derrik would soon be able to welcome a new little one into our family, and look forward to the day when we get to meet our son or daughter when we reach the other side.

When I was first pregnant in December I thought it was a boy for sure. Also my cousin, who is 9 for 9 guessing what people will have, also thought we would have a boy first (he didn't even know I was pregnant) When I got pregnant the second time, me and Derrik had a strong feeling it was a girl, my cousin guessed it was a girl as well. So when we found out it was in fact a girl my mind immediately went to our first little babe. I like to think I was right about it being a boy. When I sit and think of our little baby girl growing in my belly I love to imagine her in heaven with her older brother. He is teaching her all about me and Derrik and what life will be like.
When this life comes to an end and we get to return to heaven I can't wait to meet our little one, whether it's a boy or girl I know that they watched over us. I can feel them in my life everyday.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

January vs. April

This year started off terrible and I mean terrible. January was probably one of the worst and most stressful months of my life.
I first found out I was pregnant with our first child on Dec. 15. We had decided to wait to tell friends and family till after my first doctor appointment. I went into the appointment on January 8th excited but nervous. I had this strange feeling that I wasn't even pregnant, not like I had miscarried but that I never was pregnant to begin with, pretty much my only indication that I was in fact pregnant was a $2 pregnancy test that I had taken a month before. I was so nervous. During the ultrasound my worst fears we realized. I immediately knew something was wrong, there I sat looking at a screen with a black circle with nothing inside, there was no baby.  I was measuring at just under six weeks. So either I was much earlier then I thought or I had lost the baby 3 weeks earlier. 

We set up an appointment for the following week to see if anything changed and it hadn't. I had in fact had a miscarriage. Definitely one of the hardest things. I was so mad at my body. After "passing" the baby I was miserable, I was hurting both emotionally and physically. I was so mad at my body for putting me through this pain for what I believe was for nothing. I was suppose to have a baby, I was suppose to be growing a little human inside me. Everyone handles miscarriages differently and for me I took it hard, it was hard for me to show my true feelings to anyone, I thought maybe people would just think I should get over it, or that it wasn't that big of a deal. I never actually even saw it. How can I miss something I never had? It was a very difficult time for both of us. Luckily I have the greatest husband that was nothing but supportive. He just sat there as I cried and told me he loved me. Also my cousin had a miscarriage a few months prior and was there at every turn, she knew exactly how I felt and what to say, I could not have done it without her. Also the numerous gifts, treats and little notes that were given to us by friends and family. I still cherish those little "love notes" and it serves as a reminder how many people love and care for me, Derrik, and our sweet little one.

By the end of January I was feeling a little more like myself. This came just in time to get the news that Derrik had gotten laid off. The stress of these 2 events was almost too much. I worried that we would have to wait to try for another baby, with him not having a job it would be irresponsible of us to try for a baby, right? Now what if the stress of him jobless would make it harder for us to conceive?

Ill say it again, January was the worst.

Then spring came and true to form it brought new life and rejuvenated souls. On April 6th, I found
out I was pregnant again. We were ecstatic to say the least. The wondering and worrying and sitting idly by as friends and family members got pregnant and had babies was over. It was my turn. Then on April 24th I got the call that Derrik had been offered the sales job he had been working so hard for since he was laid off. So to say the least April rocked our socks off.

It was an extremely hard time for us but I know that everything happens for a reason.  Derrik getting laid off was a HUGE blessing in disguise.  His new job is amazing and a big step up from where he was.  Having gone through the heartache of losing a baby, it has made us cherish our baby girl even that much more.  We will not take this opportunity for granted and are so excited to meet our little girl due in December.