Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Happy Birthday Little Spirit

This was how I told Derrik I was pregnant in December.

Today August 19th, I would have become a mother.

For nine months I have been caring around this spirit child in my heart. As the weeks go by I mark off what my life would be like if I was still pregnant with my first little one. How big would I be? Would I be having a boy or girl? What would the day be like in August when we would have met the little one? It's so hard not to think of these things especially today.
When I first found out I had miscarried my wonderful sister-in-law gave me a book "Gone too Soon" inside there was a poem that helped me a ton, although it makes me sad, even to this day, it also helped me realize others have felt the same way that I did. It was hard to explain some of the emotions I was going through but I think this poem conveys a lot of them in a beautiful way.

Just Those Few Weeks
For just those few weeks
I had you to myself.
And that seems too short a time
to be changed so profoundly.
In those few weeks,
I came to know you...
and to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh what a life I had planned for you!
Just those few weeks...
when I lost you,
I lost a lifetime of hopes,
plans, dreams and aspirations.
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.
Just those few weeks...
It wasn't enough time to convince others
how special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique person has recently died
and no one is mourning the passing.
Just a mere few weeks..
And no "normal" person would cry all night
Over a tiny unfinished baby,
or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I??
You were just those few weeks, my little one.
You darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed
to make my life richer
and to give me a small glimpse of eternity.
~S. Erling

I am a huge planner, I'm constantly thinking of different scenarios for every decision I make. So when I first found out I was pregnant I had planned out so much in just days. Like how I was going to tell our family and friends, when I would find out what I was having. How pregnant I would be on our summer trips to bear lake. What their birthday would be like in August. If it would be warm enough to have their blessing outside a few months later. It was pretty much all thought about, so when the news came that their would be no baby, my world crashed, everything that had taken over my daydreams was now over. The months that followed were not much better. I was so scared something was wrong with me. I was worried I would have a hard time getting pregnant. I was also so nervous I would have another miscarriage, but as we all know there is nothing we can do in situations like this. All I can do is pray that me and Derrik would soon be able to welcome a new little one into our family, and look forward to the day when we get to meet our son or daughter when we reach the other side.

When I was first pregnant in December I thought it was a boy for sure. Also my cousin, who is 9 for 9 guessing what people will have, also thought we would have a boy first (he didn't even know I was pregnant) When I got pregnant the second time, me and Derrik had a strong feeling it was a girl, my cousin guessed it was a girl as well. So when we found out it was in fact a girl my mind immediately went to our first little babe. I like to think I was right about it being a boy. When I sit and think of our little baby girl growing in my belly I love to imagine her in heaven with her older brother. He is teaching her all about me and Derrik and what life will be like.
When this life comes to an end and we get to return to heaven I can't wait to meet our little one, whether it's a boy or girl I know that they watched over us. I can feel them in my life everyday.