Wednesday, August 13, 2014

January vs. April

This year started off terrible and I mean terrible. January was probably one of the worst and most stressful months of my life.
I first found out I was pregnant with our first child on Dec. 15. We had decided to wait to tell friends and family till after my first doctor appointment. I went into the appointment on January 8th excited but nervous. I had this strange feeling that I wasn't even pregnant, not like I had miscarried but that I never was pregnant to begin with, pretty much my only indication that I was in fact pregnant was a $2 pregnancy test that I had taken a month before. I was so nervous. During the ultrasound my worst fears we realized. I immediately knew something was wrong, there I sat looking at a screen with a black circle with nothing inside, there was no baby.  I was measuring at just under six weeks. So either I was much earlier then I thought or I had lost the baby 3 weeks earlier. 

We set up an appointment for the following week to see if anything changed and it hadn't. I had in fact had a miscarriage. Definitely one of the hardest things. I was so mad at my body. After "passing" the baby I was miserable, I was hurting both emotionally and physically. I was so mad at my body for putting me through this pain for what I believe was for nothing. I was suppose to have a baby, I was suppose to be growing a little human inside me. Everyone handles miscarriages differently and for me I took it hard, it was hard for me to show my true feelings to anyone, I thought maybe people would just think I should get over it, or that it wasn't that big of a deal. I never actually even saw it. How can I miss something I never had? It was a very difficult time for both of us. Luckily I have the greatest husband that was nothing but supportive. He just sat there as I cried and told me he loved me. Also my cousin had a miscarriage a few months prior and was there at every turn, she knew exactly how I felt and what to say, I could not have done it without her. Also the numerous gifts, treats and little notes that were given to us by friends and family. I still cherish those little "love notes" and it serves as a reminder how many people love and care for me, Derrik, and our sweet little one.

By the end of January I was feeling a little more like myself. This came just in time to get the news that Derrik had gotten laid off. The stress of these 2 events was almost too much. I worried that we would have to wait to try for another baby, with him not having a job it would be irresponsible of us to try for a baby, right? Now what if the stress of him jobless would make it harder for us to conceive?

Ill say it again, January was the worst.

Then spring came and true to form it brought new life and rejuvenated souls. On April 6th, I found
out I was pregnant again. We were ecstatic to say the least. The wondering and worrying and sitting idly by as friends and family members got pregnant and had babies was over. It was my turn. Then on April 24th I got the call that Derrik had been offered the sales job he had been working so hard for since he was laid off. So to say the least April rocked our socks off.

It was an extremely hard time for us but I know that everything happens for a reason.  Derrik getting laid off was a HUGE blessing in disguise.  His new job is amazing and a big step up from where he was.  Having gone through the heartache of losing a baby, it has made us cherish our baby girl even that much more.  We will not take this opportunity for granted and are so excited to meet our little girl due in December.